Spilling the chari-tea

Several years ago, I was signed up for unsolicited subscriptions to Sports Illustrated and ESPN magazines. As somebody who dislikes competitive sports and everything they entail, I would never sign up for these periodicals myself. You know who would? My mom. She has, on more one occasion, expressed the harmful belief that young boys who do not participate in so-called "masculine" activities such as athletics are more likely to become gay.

The second I discovered these magazines in my mailbox, I rolled my eyes. Though addressed to me, I knew where they originated from. I immediately recycled them, but not before having a good laugh. Why? The very first Sports Illustrated I received was dedicated to nude male athletes, and naked bodies adorned its glossy pages. I can assure you, she would have been mortified had she known her not-so-subtle attempt at selling me on toxic masculinity ended up being the magazine's assumed answer to complaints about exploiting the female form through their annual swimsuit edition.

Why am I sharing this with you? This is going somewhere, I promise.

Last year, copious amounts of junk mail from Catholic charities started to flood my mailbox. All of them were addressed to the same individual: "M," followed by my last name. That individual is not me. Though my middle initial is, indeed, "M," I have never once referred to myself this way. Guess who has? My mother.

Whenever my mom made a charitable contribution, she would use a pseudonym. This allowed her to maintain anonymity and gave her an inconclusive method of tracking the origin of her junk mail. She and I share the same initials. If memory serves me correctly, one of her aliases was "M," followed by her last name. If this seems a bit suspect, that's because it is.

To my mom's credit, there is a remote possibility that she is not to blame. But there's also very strong evidence to the contrary. In fact, my mom has openly admitted to my brother that she has given his address to solicitors, and became belligerent when confronted. Further, she believed she hadn't done anything wrong. She was simply trying to limit the amount of junk mail she received.

Is this the case with me? Who knows? Some of the things my mom does are so irrational that they leave me scratching my head, wondering if she had prolonged exposure to lead paint growing up. What could she possibly hope to gain through her actions? Does she not understand that what she's doing is more than just a nuisance? It's illegal and a form of harassment.

Multiple people have asked me, "Why don't you just turn around and sign your mom up for progressive charities' mailing lists?" I'll be the first to tell you: It's tempting. A younger, immature version of myself would probably have done it. Now that I'm approaching my 38th birthday and have a more grounded outlook on life and on our relationship (or lack thereof), I understand it would be both a childish and fruitless effort.

Never mind the fact that my mom would realize the origin of the mail and double down on her efforts to spam my mailbox (yes, she is that petty and vindictive), it's a waste of resources. It serves no other purpose than to provide me with the short-term and ill-gotten pleasure of exacting revenge at the expense of charitable organizations whose values and mission I identify with. After all, wouldn't that mean I'm engaging in the very same passive-aggressive behavior as my mother?

Rather, the best way I can handle the situation is just to contact each Catholic charity on a case-by-case basis, ask them to remove me from their list, and move on. Is it satisfying? In the present moment, I would say no. But in doing so, I'm giving myself a gift: the ability to heal and lead a better, happier life than my parents. After all, isn't that what any good caretaker would want for their child?