My name is Jason, and I'm 37 (almost 38) going on 21. This may sound strange to some, but those of you who are socially and/or emotionally stunted due to less than optimal experiences growing up will know where I'm coming from.
First, I'll come right out and say it: I'm gay.
When I talk about childhood trauma, much of it stems from my orientation and not being able to openly express it. For this reason, I have blocked many, if not most memories of my younger years. Some of them come and go randomly. Otherwise, I remember certain events and the emotions, sights, sounds and smells surrounding them.
Don't get me wrong. Not all of my memories are bad. My parents did their best to raise me to be a conscientious, upstanding individual according to their moral compass. To that end, they succeeded.
Where they failed completely, totally, wholly, is in setting aside their own ideals and providing me a household free of judgement, absent of the selfish notion that I must live my life according to their religious and political standards, and fostering an environment where I could break away from the black and white values so deeply ingrained in American culture, and experience all the colors of the rainbow without worrying about repercussions.
Instead, I spent my teenage years isolated, depressed and hiding behind intrusive thoughts; deathly afraid my parents would discover the secret I dare not speak.
Instead, I suppressed my true self both around them and others due to a paralyzing fear of rejection and a misplaced sense of loyalty.
Instead, I spent 37 years tip-toeing around their narcissistic personalities, toxic behaviors and harmful beliefs.
If you found this blog, perhaps you can relate. Maybe you're even living this Hell right now.
Take a Selfish is as much for you as it is me. Sure, it's therapeutic to put my thoughts into writing. But in doing so, I hope you can learn, grow, and find inspiration, strength and courage. Wherever you are in life's journey, know that you are not alone. You matter. You are worthy. You are amazing. just. as. you. are.
What sets you apart from others is what makes you unique, and that deserves to be celebrated. You deserve to be celebrated, and you deserve to celebrate yourself.
So, what do you think? Isn't it OUR turn to take a selfish?
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