Are you considering cutting ties with homophobic family? Whether it's one parent or both, siblings, extended family, blood relatives or adopted, going no contact can be a difficult, painful and sometimes prolonged process; one that requires a great deal of thought. But, if the people who allegedly love you most cause you physical or emotional harm through their repeated words or actions, it may also prove a critical step in your journey toward healing and well-being.
Through my inaugural posts, I explored my childhood and early adult years. I also touched upon going no contact with my parents. I will go into greater detail on this subject in the future, but would like to share a few tips that may help if you are thinking about severing your relationship with abusive family:
Do it on your terms: How do you best communicate? Are you an expert at verbalizing your thoughts or do you prefer to express yourself through the written word? If you buckle under stress, prefer to avoid verbal conflict or have difficulty maintaining composure, there is nothing wrong with writing a thoughtful letter or email.
Prepare for the fallout: By its very nature, going no contact is messy. Don't expect a simple, clean break. Assumptions will be made. Feelings will be hurt. You may trip over your words. You may not even get to say everything you want. You may later feel pangs of regret over your approach. Do not take this upon yourself. It is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to sugar coat the truth. Chances are, if you're ready to go to such an extreme, you've doubtlessly endured abuse for years. You are now doing what's necessary to take control of your life and send a clear signal that you do not condone the way you've been treated.
Present the facts: You may have previously aired your grievances in one form or another. This is now your opportunity to lay everything on the table. Take your time. Draft an outline to organize your thoughts. Practice what you'd like to say with a trusted friend or family member, or ask them to proofread your writing for clarity and structure. Though it may be difficult, avoid subjective statements or letting your emotions get the best of you (even though the other party may not follow suit). Further, do not allow the conversation to be hijacked. If you've gotten to the point where you're ready to cut ties, you've probably been staying silent or keeping the peace for quite some time. You deserve to be heard!
Set boundaries: What does "no contact" mean to you? To start, you may elect to cease face-to-face contact, but make an exception for occasional emails or phone calls. If you have reason to believe an ultimatum will effect positive change, you might find it beneficial to keep the lines of communication open. On the other hand, if you've spent your entire life trying to gain your family's acceptance and they refuse to meet you halfway, it may be better to end the relationship altogether. Whatever decision you arrive upon, clearly express it, and do not take "no" for an answer or permit the other party to bargain with you.
Make peace with the inevitable: There may never be clear resolution outside of the initial act of going no contact. In an ideal world, the threat of being cut off from loved ones would provide the catalyst needed for family to reevaluate their beliefs or behaviors. Unfortunately, this is not the case in many, if not most situations. Remain hopeful, but be prepared to face a reality where going no contact means you may never see them again.
Lastly, remember: Going no contact needs to be your decision. Take others' well-intentioned advice into consideration, but don't feel pressured. If you're not ready or you don't feel safe, shelve the idea. When the moment is right, you will know it.
If you would like more advice on going no contact, check out Jeffrey Marsh on TikTok. A life coach, Marsh frequently speaks out about their experiences going no contact with abusive/toxic family, and shares messages of positivity, self-acceptance and love.
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